Teaching Respect: A Parent’s Journey (and Why It’s Worth the Effort)
We’ve all been there—our child says something that just sets us off, and our immediate reaction is to put them in their place. We want respect, so why not demand it? But what if we took a step back instead of reacting and considered what they might be trying to communicate? Sometimes, a child’s tone or words may stem from their feeling unheard or disrespected themselves. Now, I know what some of you might be thinking: “But I’m the adult! They can’t just talk to me like that!” And that’s true—this isn’t about excusing disrespect. It’s about modeling it, even when it feels tough.
At American Family Martial Arts, we’re all about teaching life skills that stick, and this month we’re focused on one of the big ones: Respect. It’s an important value for kids to develop because, unlike obedience, respect goes both ways. Obedience might come from fear, but respect? That’s about trust, connection, and understanding that you know what’s best for them.
So how do we turn “respect” from a word into something our kids get? Let’s look at what that can look like at every age.
Ages 3-4: It All Starts with “Please” and “Thank You”
At this age, kids are little sponges, soaking up everything we do—and say. Manners like “please” and “thank you” seem simple, but they’re a great way to introduce respect. It’s all about learning that how we talk to others matters. Modeling this at home makes a huge difference, so yes, I’m saying that using “please” and “thank you” with them is a game-changer. They watch, they listen, and they start to mirror it right back.
Ages 5-6: Understanding How Actions Affect Others
This is the age when kids start to see that their actions impact those around them. Here’s where we can teach them about things like good sportsmanship—learning to win with kindness and lose with grace. When they see us being considerate of others, even during a tough day, they learn that respect means thinking about how their behavior makes others feel. It’s such a cool stage where they’re learning that they have the power to make people feel better (or worse), and it’s amazing to watch. If you want to know more about teaching sportsmanship to your child. Check out this blog: Understanding Childhood Development: When Game night with a 5 year old doesn’t go as planned
Ages 7-9: Building Self-Respect
Kids this age start to become more independent, and with that comes a sense of self-respect. They’re making more of their own choices, so let’s encourage them to be mindful of how they treat themselves, too. Show them it’s okay to stand up for themselves and to value who they are. When they see us respecting ourselves and setting healthy boundaries, it’s like giving them permission to do the same. It’s not just about others—it’s about learning they deserve respect, too.
Ages 10-14: Respect, Friendships, and Finding Their Voice
Ah, the tween and early teen years! These are the ages where kids start caring a lot about what their friends think. Respect here means treating others kindly—no gossiping, no bullying—and finding true friends who lift them up. At this stage, they need to feel like they matter, so listen to their ideas (even when they’re still figuring things out). When they feel respected, they’re so much more likely to respect others in return. And remember, they’re more likely to listen when they know you’re really hearing them.
Leading By Example
In the end, kids learn respect best by watching us. It’s the way we talk to them and to others, especially when things don’t go our way. Ever noticed how they mimic our little expressions, our tone, even our sighs? So, avoiding things like talking down to them, embarrassing them, or belittling them sets the best example. Let them feel like their thoughts and voices have weight in the conversation. Give them a say in some of their decisions, and celebrate it when they handle things respectfully.
So there it is—raising respectful kids isn’t about demanding it. It’s about living it. When we create a home filled with respect, it becomes something they naturally carry with them into the world, whether they’re at school, in a martial arts class, or hanging with friends. And isn’t that what we’re all hoping for?